Kelso What if I See Other People

The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Scrubs".

Scene 1

Open: In a park. A frisbee is thrown, landing near Dr. Kelso's feet.

Man: Hey, grandpa, a little help.

Dr. Kelso: Here you go, sport. (tosses frisbee back to him) But call me "grandpa" again, and you and I are gonna play a little game called "hide the wingtip". (man raises his eyebrows) There may be a generational gap here, I'll explain. The wingtip is my shoe, the hiding place is your ass.

(Man leaves, Dr. Kelso sits on the bench next to Maggie)

Maggie: Hi, Bob. That's why I always save you a place. You keep the riff raff in check.

Dr. Kelso: My pleasure. Well, let's see what Enid packed for lunch today. A stapler and a golf ball. She's not well.

Maggie: Trade ya. My apple for your golf ball.

Dr. Kelso: Done. Maggie, how long has your foot been like that?

(Maggie's foot, swollen and bruised)

(Cut to Sacred Heart. J.D. and Carla are there)

Dr. Kelso: Nurse Turkelton, I want you to take good care of my friend Maggie here. Don't worry, we'll take care of you.

Carla: Name and insurance, please.

Maggie: Maggie Kent, and none.

Carla: All right, let's find her a room.

J.D.'s narration: When a patient doesn't have insurance, you have to work around the system. First, you have to find someone who's recently died.

J.D.: (enthusiastically) Cool, Mr. Rabinowitz just kicked it! (Maggie gives him an odd look) Oh, don't worry, he put his peep in an electrical socket. You can't do that.

(Cut to Doug pushing a gurney down the hall)

J.D.'s narration: Then you have to convince the morgue guy to sit on the paperwork so the deceased's bed stays open. (J.D. hands Doug a red lollipop)

Doug: Deal.

J.D.'s narration: Then you have to get the floor nurses to play along.

(Laverne handing Maggie her lunch)

Laverne: Enjoy your kosher meal, Mr. Rabinowitz.

J.D.'s narration: Then you have to find a surgeon to do the work pro bono.

(Cut to Turk and The Todd at the surgical board)

The Todd: Dude, I've had a pro bono, like, all morning. Something-might-be-wrong five! (they high five)

Turk: I got this one.

J.D.'s narration: But, most importantly, you can't let any higher-ups find out that a patient is uninsured, even if they're the ones who brought her here in the first place.

(Cut to Dr. Kelso with Maggie)

Maggie: Bob, I want to thank you for doing all this, even though I don't have any...

(J.D. and Turk grab Dr. Kelso)

J.D.: Dr. Kelso, we need to talk to you.

Dr. Kelso: What is it?

J.D.: Uh, we want to go somewhere with you.

Dr. Kelso: Okay. Where?

J.D.: A spa. We'd like to get some massages.

Dr. Kelso: Well, I know just the place.

(Cut to Turk, J.D. and Dr. Kelso at an asian spa, getting massages)

(Turk screams in pain)

Turk: Great, now I've got a crick in my neck.

Dr. Kelso: (clears his throat) We're gonna get a little graphic here, so you fellas might want to look the other way, or not, it's your choice.

(J.D. looks away, then sees Turk looking)

J.D.: Turk, why are you looking?

Turk: It's my neck crick. I can't move.

Dr. Kelso: Watch this, Turkelton. She calls it the "Shanghai Surprise".

Turk: Oh, God. (he closes his eyes, but opens one and gasps)

OPENING THEME

Scene 2

Open: Close-up of Turk's badge. Camera zooms out, showing Turk and J.D. talking to Maggie.

Turk: Okay, Maggie, as soon as your labs come back, we'll prep you for surgery.

Maggie: You two are my guardian angels.

Dr. Kelso: Hey, good morning, fellas.

(J.D. and Turk look away, awkwardly)

J.D.: Sir, how are you? Lookin' good.

Turk (speaks at the same time as J.D.): What's happening with you?

Dr. Kelso: Why so awkward? You never saw a colleague get a happy ending before?

Turk: No, not that happy.

J.D.: But thank you for including us.

(Cut to Elliot walking down the hall. Enter Dr. Cox)

Dr. Cox: Oh, say, Barbie, wait just a second. I gotta tell you, you look... Well, darn it all, you look great today.

Elliot (laughs): Thanks!

Dr. Cox: Yeah.

Elliot: I started using that new facial cream made from baby foreskins.

Dr. Cox: Oh!

Elliot: But I don't understand... You haven't complimented me in six years. Why today?

Dr. Cox: Well, since you're a private practice doctor who went home yesterday at 5:00, leaving me up all night with your melanoma patient, I just knew if I complimented you, sure as shootin' you'd look at me just a hair too long, and then this would happen.

(Elliot screams and crashes into a man in a wheel chair with a broken leg, and falls down. Man in wheelchair screams in pain)

Elliot: Oh, you think you're funny?

Dr. Cox: I do. I always have, ever since I was little. It's one of the reasons that I'm a winner.

(Elliot stands up and picks up her papers, and starts walking toward the Nurse's station)

Elliot: I'm in a hurry. I promised one of my patients that I would meet him for his first day of drug counselling. See? I wrote it right there.

(Shows notepad to Dr. Cox, who looks at it)

Dr. Cox: Oh, Barboo, gimme a break. Why in God's name do you think I'd care about anything that you wrote down?

Elliot: You wouldn't.

(Dr. Cox walks into a closed door, and falls down)

Elliot: Ha!

Carla: Nice! Hey, can you believe who the new drug counseller is? (motions with her head towards the group, cut to the drug counselling meeting)

Sam Thompson: I just want you all to know that I've been right where you are. Hell, a couple of years ago, I was in this very hospital, scamming that nice doctor over there for painkills. (motions Elliot) Can everyone say hi to Dr. Reid?

Group: Hi, Dr. Reid.

Elliot: Hey, drug addicts! What's up?

(Cut to Laverne and Carla at the Nurse's station. Laverne reading "Independent Woman", a magazine)

Laverne: Girl, can you believe what they sell in these white people magazines? Look here. This is a computer chip that you can put in your baby's foot, so you can track it. Like a baby LoJack.

Carla: Yeah, white people do that craziest things.

Laverne: Like bumper stickers. I don't give a damn what you brake for.

(Enter Janitor, chuckling)

Janitor: I know. White people. (Laverne and Carla give him an odd look) No... No, my step-mom is one-quarter Inuit, so I'm part Eskimo. Anyway, small favor. I need your baby. I'm getting into the baby broker business. Nothing illicit, I'm just hooking up folks who can't have babies with folks that don't want babies.

Carla: You, leave.

(Exit Janitor)

Carla: You, give me that baby LoJack number.

Laverne (hands the number to Carla): Already tore it out.

(Enter Turk)

Turk: Hey.

Carla: Babe, where were you? We were supposed to meet for breakfast.

Turk: My bad, I was hanging out with J.D. and Rowdy, and we decided to pull a prank that we used to do back in the day.

(Flashback. Ted driving towards the hospital, J.D., Turk and Stephen hiding behind an ambulance)

J.D.: Here comes Ted! Go, go, go, pull!

(Turk starts pulling on a rope, at the end of which is Stephen on roller skates)

Ted (singing): I love you, I love you. (notices Stephen, and swerves to avoid him and hits a telephone pole in the process) (normal voice) Ghost dog!

(Telephone pole falls and crashes into the generator. Cut to Sacred Heart. The lights go out, and the staff starts to panic)

Dr. Kelso: Calm down, people. We have a back-up generator. (lights come back on) Thank God. I was just bluffing.

(End flashback)

Turk: Won't be doing that again.

(Cut to Dr. Kelso's office, Dr. Kelso yelling at Ted)

Dr. Kelso: Ted, look at this budget! I've got half a notion to make you pay for every cent of that new transformer.

Ted: I'm telling you, sir, a lifeless ghost dog glided in front of my car wearing roller skates. (takes pills)

Dr. Kelso: If this is your way of trying to make me feel guilty about paving over that Indian burial ground, it isn't going to work. We needed the damn parking spaces! Now, why in the hell are we paying this much money for scrubs?

Ted: Maybe people are stealing them.

Dr. Kelso: Now, why would people be stealing scrubs?

(Flashback. Ted comes home, wearing blue scrubs)

Ted: Hey, Mom. A guy tried to die on me today, but I didn't let him. (throws keys on the table) I didn't let him.

(Cut to Laverne's church choir, all wearing scrubs colored pink, green, purple and flowered)

Choir (singing): What a friend we have in Jesus.

(Cut to J.D.'s bathroom, in which the shower curtain and bathmat are made of scrubs, and J.D. is using the scrubs as towels. End flashback)

(Cut to the hallways of Sacred Heart, Doug walking down the hall with scrubs)

Doug: Excuse me, guys, stealing scrubs here. (walks between Sam, Elliot and Dr. Cox)

Sam: So, anyway, I've been an addict since I was 14. About a year ago, I realized it was time to wake up and get sober.

Elliot: So, you finally just hit rock bottom.

Sam: No, no, no. I hit a cop. But anyway, since I wasn't willing to do the things, you know, you need to do in jail to get narcotics, at least not enthusiastically, I... I got clean.

Dr. Cox: I have a game. Raise your hand if you're full of crap. (nobody raises their hand) (whispers) Sam, if you don't raise your hand, you're going to lose the game.

Sam: Come on, man. You don't know how hard it's been to stay straight.

(Enter The Todd)

The Todd: Been there, brother. (checks out Sam)

(Exit The Todd)

(Cut to the Doctor's Lounge. Carla on the couch, reading a magazine)

Janitor (lifts Rowdy from behind the couch): Arrrrrrr.

Carla (screams and jumps up): Turk! You know I hate that damn dog!

Janitor (appears from behind the couch): No, it's not bald, black doctor. It's haired, half-white, half-Inuit Janitor, and this is the real Rowdy.

Carla: Excuse me?

Janitor: You recall a couple years ago, you lost him?

(Flashback. Janitor giving Carla Stephen in the Doctor's Lounge, after she lost Rowdy)

Janitor: Woof-woof.

(Carla gasps)

Janitor's voice-over: You were panicked that your husband was gonna find out, so I sold my entire stuffed squirrel army (cut to the squirrel army in Janitor's garage, then cut back to Doctor's Lounge) in exchange for Stephen, an exact replica.

(End flashback)

Janitor: What you don't know is that I retraced your steps that day, and I found Rowdy. Now, I think if your husband knew that he'd been loving a fake dead dog all this time, he'd be very unhappy.

Carla: You're a crazy person.

Janitor: Am I? Or am I a brilliant mastermind who's waited two long years until he needed something from you? And now that day has come. Here's what I want. I want your baby. We already talked about that. I want you to tell that new borderline anorexic nurse to eat a sandwich and then to go salsa dancing with me. Also, I want you to teach me to salsa dance. I want a pound of frankincense, mostly just to see what it is. And, lastly, I'm in a little bit of a tiff with the main barista down at Coffee Bucks. He's not above poisoning me, so I'm gonna need you to be my official beverage taster. Yes?

Carla: I'm just gonna confess everything to Turk.

(Exit Carla)

Janitor (as Rowdy): Grrrrrrrr.

Janitor: No, easy, boy, we'll get her.

(Cut to the Nurse's station. Laverne and Elliot already there as Dr. Cox walks towards the station)

Elliot: Why can't you just give Sam a break?

Dr. Cox: Look, the only thing Sam did was to go from being a lying drug addict, to being a lying drug addict who works here.

Elliot: People change. I knew this one migrant worker from our orchard, Ramon. He used to say "I hate applesauce. It destroys the integrity of the la manzana." Manzana's Spanish for "apple". Anyway. Last time I was home, I asked how Ramon was doing. Vice President of Mott's Applesauce. It's true, Ramon Delgado, look him up on the Internet.

Dr. Cox: I will.

Elliot: Don't, I made it up. The point is, people can change and you know it.

Dr. Cox: Nothing ever changes. The artist formerly known as Prince is still just Prince. My ex-wife is still pretty much my wife. Grey's Anatomy always wraps up every episode with some cheesy voiceover that ties together all of the storylines, which, incidentally, is my least favorite device on television. Newbie continually will try to violate my "no touching" policy. (looks around) Uh-huh. And Republicans will forever try to raise... (J.D. hugs Dr. Cox)

J.D.: Sneak hug!

(Exit J.D.)

Dr. Cox: Of course, I would go kill him right now, but he actually just helped prove my point.

Laverne: This is gonna help, too. There are 10 orders of Percocet missing from the pharmacy.

(Enter Sam)

Dr. Cox: Well, I think I have a pretty good idea who I'm gonna give my complimentary urine test to. (whistles at Sam)

(Cut to J.D. and Turk with Maggie)

Maggie: So, how bad is it going to be?

Turk: Well, you're going to lose the dead tissue, but, thanks to modern medicine, you're gonna keep most of your foot. You wouldn't believe how much worse it would have been even a few years ago.

(J.D.'s fantasy. Maggie dressed in medieval clothes with a wooden baton in her mouth and tied down, screaming. Turk, also wearing medieval clothes, holding a make-shift saw to Maggie's foot.)

Turk: This might hurteth a little.

(Enter J.D., also wearing medieval clothes)

J.D.: Look, milady, I know it stinks that we're removing your foot and plan to eat it tonight at the Healing Feast, but you wouldn't believeth (Turk sawing the foot off) how much worse this would have been even a few years ago.

(Cuts to Maggie as a cavewoman, showing her bruised foot J.D. and Turk, also caveman)

Maggie: Unga unga bunga ungo.

Turk: Unga.

J.D.: Buga buga.

Turk: Unga bunga.

Maggie: Ooh? Hmm?

(Turk takes a club and hits Maggie. Turk and J.D. start clobbering Maggie with their clubs)

Turk: Unga! Unga! Unga!

(J.D. hits Turk with his club)

J.D.'s narration: Unga bunga tonga runga, katonga patonga bonga.

(End of fantasy)

J.D.: I may have killed you, but I think I was upset about it.

(Cut to the ICU. Enter Dr. Kelso)

Dr. Kelso: Listen up, people! Gather round. Not you, Mr. Miler. Staff only. All right, this is going to be very simple. Whoever has been stealing scrubs is going to raise their hand, pay the hospital back and be immediately fired. Let's see 'em. (nobody raises their hand) Okay, you people leave me no choice.

(Cut to the same scene, but, instead of colorful scrubs, the staff are wearing dark brown scrubs)

Dr. Kelso: There, now you all have to wear scrubs so hideous that no one would steal them. You brought this on yourself, you thieving bastards.

(Exit Dr. Kelso, enter Carla)

Carla: Turk, I need to talk to you about Rowdy...

Turk: Okay, wait. Before you say anything, sorry I skipped out on breakfast to good around with Rowdy, but you gotta understand, Rowdy is more than just a dead toy to J.D. and me. We got him together in college and he's always been there.

(Cut to an empty patient's room. Rowdy is on the bed, and Carla is teaching Janitor to salsa dance)

Carla: The key to the salsa is passion.

Janitor: And spin! (makes Carla spin, who is then knocked into a door)

(Cut to the Nurse's station, Elliot and Dr. Cox working, enter Laverne and Sam)

Laverne: There were no drugs in Sam's bag and his urinalysis came back clean.

Sam: Don't beat yourself up, big guy. (points at Dr. Cox) I would have suspected me, too.

(Exit Sam)

Elliot: Maybe we should post the transcript for your "nothing ever changes" rant in the cancer ward for the chemo patients as a little pick-me-up. Oh, and FYI, I happen to like the voiceovers on Grey's Anatomy, except for when they're really vague and generic.

(Enter J.D., walking past)

J.D.'s narration: And so, in the end, I knew what Elliot said about the way things were has forever changed the way we all thought about them.

Scene 3

Open: Dr. Cox and Elliot walking down the halls of Sacred Heart.

Elliot: I actually don't mind the new scrubs. It really makes my outfit pop.

(they arrive at the Nurse's station, Dr. Cox makes judging sounds at Elliot's outfit)

Elliot: Look, I know that you feel stupid for falsely accusing Sam, but it all goes away if you just apologize to him.

Dr. Cox: Way ahead of you on that score, Barboo. I wanted to surprise the gentleman with something I thought he'd really enjoy, so I went out and got him a brick of heroin shaped like a heart. Now, if I could just find him a funny card.

Elliot: If you really thought he was still a drug addict, you wouldn't let him counsel people.

Dr. Cox: Of course I would. Addicts make the very best counsellors, because they know just exactly what druggies are going through, mainly because, and see if you can follow this, they're currently going thought it, too.

Elliot: I don't care what you think. I'm always gonna believe in people.

(Exit Elliot)

Dr. Cox: All the best with that Barbidiot.

(Exit Dr. Cox, enter Dr. Kelso)

Dr. Kelso: You brought these caca-colored scrubs on yourselves, folks, and thanks for playing along with that hideous suit, Ted.

Ted: Playing along with what, sir?

Dr. Kelso: Nothing. Looking sharp. Wow.

(Exit Dr. Kelso)

(Cut to Carla and Janitor at Coffee Bucks. Carla tasting Janitor's coffee for poison)

Carla: (takes a sip) See? It's fine. Nobody's trying to poison... (falls limply onto the table)

Janitor: I knew it! She's gone. Oh, boy, someone's gonna have to tell black doctor. I do not want that job.

(Carla scares Janitor by screaming, Janitor yells)

Janitor: Zombie!

Carla: I can't do this anymore. I'm out.

Janitor: What? Oh, no, no, toots. You're out when I say you're out. (a hand behind Janitor puts something in his coffee) I saw that, Frank.

(Cut to Carla and Laverne at the Turk's car. Stephen is inside)

Carla: Here's the deal. When nobody's looking, we grab Stephen and make him go bye-bye. Then there will only be one dog left. So, when Lurch suddenly shows up with the real Rowdy, Turk will have to assume that he's the one who stole him from the car. Got it?

Laverne: Whatever. Let's do this. Laverne Roberts! (punches through the window, Carla yelps)

Carla: Laverne, I got the keys right here.

(Cut to Dr. Kelso at the park)

Dr. Kelso: Well, tuna fish on a sponge. She's getting closer.

Maggie: (sitting on the bench) Hey, Bob.

Dr. Kelso: Hey, Maggie. (notices her foot is still the same) I thought we were gonna take care of that foot.

Maggie: I don't have insurance. It's okay, I can get by.

J.D.'s narration: Everyone reacts differently to unpleasant discoveries. Some people get angry.

Dr. Kelso: Save my seat.

J.D.'s narration: Others are admittedly a tad more dramatic.

(Cut to Turk and J.D. at the car, the window is smashed and Stephen is gone)

J.D.: Oh, my God, he's gone. I think I'm gonna be sick.

Turk: I never got the chance to tell him I loved him.

(Cut to Sam counselling the drug addicts)

Same: I mean, guys, I know all about bottoming out. All right? It wasn't long ago that I was out there (points out the window), on my knees, praying to the gods for help. (looks out the window)

(Zoom to J.D. and Turk on their knees in the parking lot)

J.D.: God, please!

Turk: Lord!

J.D. and Turk: Please, God!

Turk: Bring him back!

J.D.: Why?

(Cut back to drug counselling)

Turk: Bring back our Rowdy!

Sam: (closes the window) That was weird. Uh, okay, why don't we call it a day, okay? Okay, guys? Proud of you, proud of you, proud of you, proud of you (pointing at drug addicts).

(Dr. Cox 'clapping, appears to have been sitting in the back during the counselling)

Same: Are you... are you seriously doing the clichéd sarcastic slow clap? Because that is way too 1980s.

Dr. Cox: It was a hell of a performance. The attitude, the indignation. It was damn near believable, do you know that?

Sam: Honestly, I don't really feel the need to convince you of anything, but I will say that if you're waiting to watch me slip, I think things are gonna get really frustrating for you.

Lloyd: Let me tell you something, man. This guy is amazing, okay? He's unbelievable. To even get into his class, you have to bring any drugs you have at home so you're not tempted.

Dr. Cox: Let's see if I've got this right. You have to give your drugs to him?

Lloyd: Oh, absolutely, yeah. Oh, that reminds me. Uh, I found these in my dryer. (holds up a bottle of pills)

Sam: (takes them) Thank you, Lloyd. Thank you.

(Exit Lloyd)

Sam: He's doing very well.

Dr. Cox: Even I have to admit, that was pretty darn clever.

Sam: Thanks. I, uh... I came up with it when I was shooting up with my sponsor in the back of his El Camino. Crazy!

Dr. Cox: I'm gonna go ahead and take this whole moment, I'm gonna find Dr. Barbie and I'm gonna rub it in her face.

(Cut to the Cafeteria. Turk, J.D., Carla and Elliot eating lunch at the same table)

Janitor: (holding Rowdy) Well, howdy, boys! 'Member me?

Ted: (stands up) Ghost dog! Ghost dog!

Janitor: You forced my hand.

Turk: (walks over to Janitor, and takes Rowdy) Gimme that!

J.D.: How dare you steal our dog?

Janitor: Huh?

Carla: Sorry, you lose, bye-bye. Oh, and you should still have someone check your coffee before you drink it. (points at her tongue)

Janitor: (looks at his tongue, and sees that it is black. Tastes some of his coffee) Squid oil. That's one for you, Frank.

(Exit Janitor, enter Dr. Cox)

Dr. Cox: Barbie, I have the most exciting news to tell you!

(Enter Dr. Kelso)

Dr. Kelso: What the hell people? I saw Maggie Kent in the park. Why didn't we treat her?

Carla: She has no insurance.

Dr. Kelso: Well, why didn't we do what we always do? Why didn't you fix it while I turned my back and pretend not to notice? You know the dance.

J.D.: We used to, but if you're gonna threaten to fire us over taking a pair of scrubs, why wouldn't we think you'd fire us for treating an uninsured patient?

Turk: Yeah, when you took away the scrubs, you took away the trust, and without trust, everything falls apart.

J.D.'s narration: And just like that, we got our old scrubs back.

(J.D.'s fantasy. The staff wearing colorful scrubs, running and jumping happily into the hospital. Flashback ends)

(The staff walking normally into the hospital, waring colorful scrubs)

J.D.: I'm telling you guys, this could have been a much bigger moment.

J.D.'s narration: Even though I was the only one who knew how to embrace life, we all left thinking about how important trust is.

(Cut to Elliot talking to Sam, enter Dr. Cox)

J.D.'s narration: Dr. Cox let Elliot keep her trust in humankind a while longer.

Dr. Cox: I, uh... I just wanted to apologize to you, Sam, for not believing in you.

Sam: Thanks.

(Exit Elliot)

Sam: Well, why didn't you tell her?

Dr. Cox: 'Cause this hospital will eventually make her just as cynical as everybody else in the dump. She didn't need my help on that one. By the way, do me a favor. If you do use later, don't drive.

Sam: I take the bus, dude.

Dr. Cox: Yeah.

J.D.'s narration: Carla protected the trust that we have in her by coming clean.

(Cut to Carla, Turk and J.D. entering the Doctor's Lounge, where Rowdy and Stephen are)

Carla: Anyway, I should have told you guys I lost him back then, but, hopefully, this'll help you forgive me.

Turk: Whoa!

(J.D. and Turk walk to Rowdy and Stephen)

Turk: Look at them standing next to each other. Two beautiful dead dogs.

Carla: Now, at least, you can both have one.

J.D.: I'm cool with keeping Stephen. We've gotten to know each other quite well.

Turk: Well, how are we supposed to know who's who?

(J.D. feels their private areas)

J.D.: (points to stage right) That's Stephen. Don't ask me how I know that.

J.D.'s narration: As for Dr. Kelso, he knew that trusting us again was probably foolish.

(Cut to Dr. Kelso walking down the halls of Sacred Heart)

The Todd: (walks past holding a pile of scrubs) Good night, sir.

(Dr. Kelso sighs)

J.D.'s narration: Still, it was worth it.

(Dr. Kelso ' walks into Maggie's room)

Maggie: You want half my sandwich?

Dr. Kelso: Thank you, Mrs. Suarez.

Maggie: It's Kent, Bob. Maggie...

Dr. Kelso: Shhh!

Maggie: Thank you.

(Dr. Kelso sits down and eats with Maggie)

CLOSING THEME

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Kelso What if I See Other People

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